Helen

This beautiful quilt was made with love for Helen by the dear friends in her prayer group: Doris, Eileen, Loretta and Donna.

(Click to enlarge)

Henry wrote:
I asked Mimi to post this picture of the Healing Quilt which was created, sewn, and gifted to Helen by a group of loving ladies called the Prayer Group. They completed it about three years ago when Helen was undergoing Chemotherapy, and she blanketed herself with it during each treatment.

It carries the names of each of our children and grandchildren, each of the Quilt contributors, and a number of pictures and words that symbolized events and places Helen and I loved.

I offer my eternal thanks to these beautiful ladies whose prayers I firmly believe extended Helen’s life. Their close friendship dating back fifty years brought joy to Helen and me.

This Quilt is so precious a legacy that I’ve already passed it onto my five daughters. They are now taking turns displaying it. Each six months possession rotates from one home to another.

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We all love this photo because Mom is just glowing with beauty, as always. I think Dottie and Helen considered each other the sisters they never had.

Dottie wrote me that looking at photos of my Mom makes her smile along with the tears, because of Helen’s beautiful smile.

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A few years ago I gave Mom a little box that held index cards I had personalized with her name. Apparently she continued to use the box to keep quotes she liked, story ideas,  notes about books she loved or that friends had recommended. Dad asked me if I wanted to bring it home with me. What a little treasure box it turned out to be. I gave it to her filled with blank note cards, and she gave it back to me filled with thoughtful little treasures from her heart. Sometimes, when I want some words of wisdom from my Mom, I’ll open the box and pull out a random card to see “what my Mom wants to say” to me today.

Today, I plucked out this one and found it particularly poignant. I thought I’d share it with all of you on her website. I’m sure she saved it in reference to the book she had written called “Dread Autumn.” (or was it called Firethorn?).

Sorrow and the scarlet leaf,
Sad thoughts and sunny weather;
Ah me! this glory and this grief
Agree not well together.

(T. W. Parsons - A Song for September)

The full text of the poem can be found here. But Mom wrote down just that one short verse.

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There is another quote that I found repeated on many cards in this box, and also tucked into several books. This one I find particularly powerful, because she had written it so many times and it was obviously (and very literally) ‘words she lived by.”

I am afflicted, but not crushed;
Perplexed but not despairing;
Struck down but not destroyed.

(2 Corinthians 4)

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This is photo Henry wanted on the site to show Helen’s Callahan heritage.
We call this the Callahan Girls: (click to see larger photo)

Cousins: Helen & Maureen
And their mothers: Mabel and Marguerite (sisters).

Click photo to see full size photo

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How strange things still are without Mom. The other day I heard that saying “life goes on.” I hate that saying, mostly I hate that it’s true.

We all go to work, the kids go to school, the weekend comes and goes and we do it all over again, week after week. Now here we are six months later. There is nothing we can do to stop the time that passes without her. It makes me so sad but it also makes me realize nothing has changed about my connection with her. I still can’t manage to make her appear no matter how much I beg her to come. But still I feel as close to her as ever.

Mimi told me something she said to Dad, about not hearing Mom or feeling her presence, and it made perfect sense to me. If Mom would come to us at home and we could see and talk to her… why would life have to go on for us? We could just sit at home and be with her. We’d never have to figure out what to do with our feelings or our lives for that matter. Think about how obsessed we’d become with Her. And we all know, that’s the last thing she wanted. Remember her prayer card “grieve for a while for me if you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust.”

I do trust Her. I know she’s with us. Not in the way we want but in a way that is appropriate, a way that let’s us go on and not be stifled by our grief.

Today Mimi, Patty and I went to the cemetery to have a picnic with Mom. After a little praying and a few tears, it was all girl talk, the four of us. I think Mom liked us just sitting around with her, having a conversation that we’d have had if she was sitting right there in circle we mad around her spot.

I really do get a sense that Mom is happy when we are together enjoying each other’s company. I remember a conversation Mom and I had sitting on the cozy little couch in the apartment. Mom talked about how important it was that the family gather together as often as we do. She said it’s not an easy task to get 30 people together. She said sure, every now and then someone can’t make it, but she was very proud of the effort that we all made to make it happen. I know she felt comforted know that tradition would continue.

I still have a hard time when the whole family gets together, because we are incomplete. Her bright loving face was never lost in the crowd. I still look for her, I feel like she could be around a corner just out of sight.

Still, for now the smaller get togethers are easier for me and I know Mom likes that too. We are so fortunate to have everyone so close by. Mimi and I have always been able to spend time together because we live so close, but we’ve made it a point (the three sisters) to spend more time together and Dad has been coming for Sunday lunches. It reminds me of Sunday lunches with Grand-pop and Nannette. I love the Sundays when Dad makes the hour drive just to have lunch with us.

It so nice to be able to laugh and enjoy the family Mom and Dad created. So, yes life does go on… and you know Mom wants it that way.

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Of course all I did was think of Mom today. Whenever I think of her and the things she did and said, I have to smile. It’s only when I think of the rest of us, who can’t bear to be without her, that I cry.

I cry the most for my Dad, who can’t pretend that she’s still here and just an hour away. Every moment of every day I know he feels the loss. I know, no matter how much we love him or how much we want to spend time with him, we can’t fill the space that was Hers. I think of all the times he told me “I still get weak in the knees when I see her face.” It’s something I tell my friends when I want to give them a glimpse of the love they shared. I don’t think anyone, even those of us who lived with their love can comprehend the depth of it… and now, the depth of the loss.

But as Mom made so clear to us in her words and what she had written on the back of her prayer card, it was important to Her that our memories were happy ones. She didn’t spend her life, not even in her last months, being anything but optimistic, grateful, courageous and even happy, to her last days. And what I find most amazing is that she wasn’t faking it for us. That was the real Her. Here are Her exact words from an email (9-3-06), when I had questions about her conversation with God.

Dearest Lenore -
Yes - my darling daughter - you’ve understood. When I mention talking to God to you or any of the other kids I’m hoping to open the door to whatever kind of talk you or they feel ready for. Just remember - I promise never to put on a show, to lie or be “brave” for you. On the phone, in an e-mail, when we are alone or with people. this isn’t the time for that. Ask me anything. My answers may bring tears to your beautiful eyes but I don’t think they will make you sad.
We’ll write or talk more in the coming days and weeks. Heart to heart. I just realized what a beautiful expression that is. My heart to yours.
I love you Lenora. And because you are a mother too, you know how much.
Good night.
Mom

She was happy, she is happy and she wants us to be happy.
We miss her, she misses us and still she wants us to be happy.

I know when I’m able to laugh at things when I talk about her, it makes her laugh too.

I hope she knows how hard I try to be happy more often than sad. I know if I don’t try, she’ll be sad.

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I was very happy when I got home from work today. I had received good news from my landlord on a repair I’ve been waiting for for years. As I changed, I recalled Mom asking (throughout the years) if it was done yet. I instictively went to the phone and began to dial. I stopped, looked at the phone. I had dialed Mom and Dad’s number to share with Mom it was finally getting done. I could tell Dad. Not while crying I couldn’t. I heard Mom telling me, “I heard you Patty”. When I finally came out of my room. It was a quiet night.

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Don’t know why but I’ve been crying all day. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to be cheered up… I just want my Mom.

But I have to work anyway. Luckily I don’t have to see any clients today, so I can cry. And I do, all day. As I’m working I go to my notes in Entourage to look for something and there I see a note titled “Anyway… from Mom.” Below is the email she wrote on August 5, 2006 and below that is the poem she sent. It’s sooo Mom. It doesn’t have anything to do with why I’m so sad today, but it makes me feel good anyway.

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Dear Kiddles -I NEVER forward e-mails that are sent me. I tell friends,”Please don’t ask me to forward messages to 5 (6?10?) deserving people. I DON”T forward.” But - I just had to share this one with all of you. The photos are sweet but it’s the words that - well, see what you think.

Love ya -The Mama

P. S. Dad says I say “Anyway” all the time.

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The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Success anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

What you spend years building, some may try to destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If your honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it’s between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

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I was sitting on my couch this evening listening to one of many ipod playlists when this song came on and once again it brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes…

Over a year and a half ago I went to a Peter Paul and Mary concert… while I was there Peter Yarrow sang a song I had never heard before. He said he wrote it for a woman who was battling cancer. I tuned in immediately with my Aunt Helen in mind. The song moved me so much tears came to my eyes as he began to sing: “With your face to the wind… I see you smiling again… spirits moving within… I know that you’re going to win…”

Once I heard it, I knew I wanted to share it with her. So I did, and sent it along with a note and package. Now I share it with all of you who miss her so much… hoping it gives you a little comfort as it does for me. Although, true that it makes me cry a little, but it also makes me smile, because every time I listen to it, it makes me think about how privileged I am to have not only known Helen Haddad, but I was part of her family and she kept us all connected. She was a gift we were all given… and I know she is still smiling down on us.

WITH YOUR FACE TO THE WIND*
(Harriet’s Song)
Peter Yarrow

Chorus:
With your face to the wind, I see you smilin’ again
Spirit’s movin’ within, I know that you’re gonna win

You’ve been down this road before
Somethin’ inside tells you what’s in store
Gotta remember what we’re all here for
Ya gotta eat up the apple and spit out the core

(Chorus)2x

You can get angry, you can curse
You can shout it out in rhyme or verse
And you can tell me that it’s never been worse
Then take that old sows ear and turn it into a purse

(Chorus)

There are gifts that come like the rain
They make the plants grow, they drench you all the same
And there are gifts that took you years to see
Like the gift of the friend that you’ve been to me

Yes there are hands here to comfort you
And if you need there are tears to cry with you too
And there are hearts that will sing with you
And voices to cheer when you’ve finally made it through

(Chorus)2x

Sometimes it takes the dark to let us see the light
You can’t have that victory unless you’ve fought the fight
Sometimes it takes a winding road to lead us home
While you’re windin’ ’round my friend just don’t go windin’ ’round alone

(Chorus)2x

*If you are looking to listen to the song. It is on the Peter, Paul, and Mary album entitled: “Flowers and Stones.” It goes by “With your face to the wind”

a

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I think Eileen was asking about this photo, so I thought I would post it here. If you click on the photo is will open up the full size file, which would be more suitable if you wanted to make a print.

We have been calling this “First Holy Communion” but I think Mom looks more grown-up than 7 years old here. Doesn’t she? Could it be her Confirmation? Either way, I think it’s a beautiful photo and Mom looks so lovely.

This photo reminds me of what Matt said in his eulogy, about Mom’s First Communion:

When I was getting ready for my first communion my mom told me how close to God she felt at the time she first took communion. She said she felt God’s love so much, that He was so real, that if she died then (as a 7 year old), that it would be okay because she knew she would be with God. So in a sense I think my mom has been ready for heaven for the last 68 years.

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I like this photo of our family, particularly of Mom because she looks like such a natural beauty … even camping with five kids. (Click to see larger photo, and you’ll see what I mean).

I don’t know where this taken. The scanned file is tagged 63 camping. We seem to be in a cabin … which isn’t technically camping! And 1963 would make me about 2 years old at the time.

Those must be Mom’s sunglasses that Henry is wearing. Cute!

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This was from a sponsor thank you letter we received from our cousin, (Helen’s niece) Ann Marie, who raised thousands of dollars for breast cancer research during the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer 3-day walk. I asked her if it would be okay if I posted it to my mom’s website and Ann Marie said she would honored to have it posted here:

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On October 12-14, 2007, I took an amazing journey and walked 60 miles over the course of three days for breast cancer research and patient support programs in the Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Breast Cancer 3-day. I signed up for the walk in honor of my Aunt Helen, who had battled breast cancer for 10 years. I walked for her and for all women who have fought this battle with the same strength of mind, body, and soul it takes to go through breast cancer. I signed up not realizing what a great effect this walk would have on my life.

Twenty miles a day… and I was ready! We walked through neighborhoods with pink ribbons on their fences. There were people and their children out on their lawns every day and through every neighborhood, cheering us on. Women, men, and children on the side of the road showing their support with home made signs that said “Let’s go walkers” and “Thank you for walking.” Some had signs that told their stories of survival. Others had signs in memoriam of those they have lost to breast cancer. Some were women and men who were going through chemotherapy, thanking every single one of the 2,500 walkers for walking for them. In addition to all the people who were along the route daily, there were also “cheering stations,” which were almost a quarter of a mile long of people surrounding us like we were celebrities, cheering us on and slapping our hands, telling us to keep going with their home made signs, candy, tissues, support, encouragement, and stories.

Over the three-day walk, we had an incredible safety crew inspiring us to keep walking by dancing and singing with us while crossing us at intersections, and cheering us up and down those many, many hills we had to endure. They stayed with us through the last day. With my body telling me I could take no more, I kept walking, knowing that I was walking for those who couldn’t… like my Aunt Helen. At the closing ceremonies, I learned that the 3-day I was involved in, in Atlanta, Georgia, raised $6.6 million dollars for breast cancer research and patient support programs!

My Aunt Helen passed away on October 17, 2007, just days after I completed the Walk for the Cure. The experience had such a powerful impact on me, I have vowed to be involved in the Breast Cancer 3-day every year, in her name, hoping to one day live in a world without breast cancer because “Everyone deserves a lifetime.”

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More pictures of Ann’s journey
at the 3-day event can be seen on This Photo Page.

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Today it has been two months since I’ve seen my Mom. Never in my life have I gone this long without seeing or speaking to her. In fact, I’m sure I’ve never gone two weeks without her. I don’t know when it starts to get easier but I do know it’s not yet and since Thanksgiving I think it’s actually gotten harder. I suppose that’s not unusual for the holidays to be more difficult.

What surprises me the most is that I feel like I’m looking for her and somehow surprised when she’s not there. She wasn’t at our family Thanksgiving, she wasn’t at the baby shower for her first great grandchild and worst of all she not in my room at night when I call for her. She’s not even at the cemetery.

I do understand death and the finality of it but my heart doesn’t seem to get it. I find myself saying almost daily “how can this be, how can she be gone.” I feel like a little kid who doesn’t understand death, I say out loud to her “Mom, where are you?”

I’ve been expecting her, she told me she’d come to me, she promised. I make deals with her. I tell her, I known you can’t just appear but if I close my eyes and put out my hand let me feel your hand. I loved to hold her hand, so delicate and soft. I wait patiently… Nothing!

About a week ago I stayed in bed much too long on a Saturday morning wanting my Mom. I hadn’t done a bit of Christmas shopping or even put up my tree. When I finally came out of my room I saw boxes of Christmas decoration the family had dug out over a week ago. My first reaction was Bah Humbug, I don’t even want to have Christmas this year, not with out my Mom.

I did however want my Mom to have a tree, so I went out, bought a tree and took it to the cemetery. I stayed longer than I’m sure Mom would have wanted me to. Before I left the cemetery I asked her if she like the tree. I heard in my head “yes, now go home and put up your own tree.” Was that me??? It was my voice, but it sure wasn’t something I felt like doing. But just in case it was Mom, I thought I better get home and put up the tree.

On the way home it occurred to me that Mom might not like what I wrote on the card attached to the tree. I wrote; I don’t know how to do Christmas without you.

A few days later I talked to my dear friend Nancy, who lost both her parents. Like me, Nancy was with her Mom when she passed. I told Nancy about what I heard in my head at the cemetery and she insisted that was my Mom. I wanted to believe her, so I did. But still, it was my voice.

I told my Dad and my sister Mimi, and I’m sure like me they’d like to believe it too… but still, it was my voice. We all want to hear her voice, so very desperately want to hear her beautiful voice.

The night before last I was up alone watching a movie, not talking to myself at all, just half heartily watching a movie, when I was interrupted by a voice in my head, loud and clear! What I heard wouldn’t have made any sense expect for a conversation that was happing on the screen. It startled me and I rewound the movie to hear what they said. I don’t care if you believe me or not, my Mom answers a question that was asked by a character in that movie! I was so happy I cried and laughed… it was my Mom I know it was.

Sorry, I’m not going to tell you what it was. But I’ll tell you this, I heard it again as I began to wake the next morning. The same answer, but it felt like it was to a different question.

Today I saw Nancy again, and I told her about it. I told her this time I’m sure it was my Mom. I told her I wish it were my Mom’s voice, I want to hear her voice. And Nancy, bless her beautiful heart, said “Lenore your Mom speaks through you not to you. She has no physical being any longer, no body to see or touch and no voice to hear.” She also said something to the effect that she’s not in a form we can understand and for now this is her way to reach us.

As I think about my Mom’s words and what Nancy said today, on this the second month anniversary of her death, I know now for sure I found her, she’s here and she told me something very important…

How about this, I’ll tell you Mom’s answer but not the question. The question doesn’t matter, because what she said answers so many questions for me.

The answer is “It never ends.”

I know this is true… Mom said so.

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Click to see photo full-size

This is a group of my mom’s friends who got together every month for lunch and writing critique-ing. These dear friends are Cheryl Stark, Phyllis Malcolm and Trish Astbury. Speaking to them over the years (at her home, sometimes during hospital visits and eventually at my Mom’s funeral), it was very clear how much they loved my Mom.

I think they said that they met in a writing class at Cal State Fullerton and began as a study group. They just kept on meeting long after the class was over.

This collection of photos was from a trip they took to Coronado together. This framed collage is from a wall in my mom’s kitchen. I think it was a gift from her friends.

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Which baby is this? I think it must be Henry, because Mom & Dad look too relaxed to have other kids climbing on them out of the range of the photo.

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One of Helen’s favorite places was the condo on Coronado Island. Here’s a photo we came across of Mom with her friends/fellow writers. Left to right: Helen, Pat Wright, Anne Farrell, Linda Prine.  Linda McLaughlin is taking the photo. These 5 talented authors met every Friday for years.

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Is this wierd, for me post another photo of the gravesite?

I just thought the combination of flowers that people had left for Mom looked so pretty, that they should adorn her website too.

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Well, tomorrow it will be a month since Mom left us. I was feeling pretty sad this morning and happened to come across the prayer card Mom picked out when she was making advance arrangements. While she didn’t write the poem, I’m told that she changed it a little bit to her liking. I read the card today and remembered that these were the words she wanted us to read when we were grieving. I thought I would post it here for anyone who hasn’t read it or might want to read it again:

To Those I Love & Those Who Love Me

When I am gone, release me, let me go
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears.
Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love. You can only guess
How much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it’s time I traveled alone.

So grieve a while for me if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It’s only for a while that we must part.
So bless the memories with your heart.

I won’t be far away, for life goes on
So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near
And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All of my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile, and “Welcome Home.”

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I’m always remembering now, bits of advice that Mom has given me over the years. This one pops into my head a lot lately: At one difficult point in my life, I was talking to my Mom on the telephone and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing okay, except that I would get very weepy and down when I listened to one particular song on the stereo. My mom gave me these simple instructions: “Don’t listen to that song anymore.”
Problem solved, I guess! She wasn’t being unsympathetic; just optimistic and practical. It makes me smile every time I think of it. It reminds me of that joke “Doctor, it hurts when I do this…”

Mimi

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The granite marker is now in place and the area is looking better. Weekends are a much more serene time to visit because the tractors and workers are gone.The cemetery has named “streets” throughout the grounds. Here’s how to find mom’s site there:

• From Van Buren, turn into the cemetery at Harmon.
• Turn right at the guard shack on Phillipine Street and take that road till it ends.
• Turn right on Meuse Argonne Ave.
• You will see where the grass ends and the new area is taking shape on the right hand side. Look for section 57B. I would say it’s on the West side of the cemetery.

If you bring any flowers or adornments for the gravesite, be sure to read their rules about what is allowed. They say no vases or potted plants. Today, I tried setting a potted Chrysanthemum plant there, thinking it might last longer than cut flowers. I’ll check back and see if they took it away. Seems to me they might cut the family some slack for awhile, at least until the grass is in. We shall see!

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